Jacob Rothschild (adjusting his tie):
“I must protest! I am nothing like that… cartoonish plutocrat Mr. Burns. For one, my fortune is merely a modest billion—hardly enough to buy the moon or block out the sun. And I certainly don’t keep hounds.”
(Pause. He raises a pale hand with a glint of mischief.)
“…Smithers?”
Smithers (from behind a velvet curtain):
“Yes, sir?”
Jacob Rothschild (grinning slightly):
“Release the hounds… but only on Ned Flanders. That goody-two-shoes must be hiding something in that mustache.”
(Cut to Flanders watering his lawn)
“Okily dokily—AAAAHHH! DOGGILY DANGEROUS!”
(Cue dramatic orchestral music and a scrolling ticker that reads):
“BREAKING: British Billionaire Denies Being Springfield Villain. Also, Unleashes Hounds.”
VATICAN CITY—June 29, 2025
Byline: Donato Salieri, Vatican Correspondent for the Holy Sede Times
Pope Pius XIII Accuses Jacob Rothschild of Hijacking the Lord’s Prayer for “Banking Interests”
In a blistering homily delivered beneath the shimmering dome of St. Peter’s Basilica, the elusive and magnetic Pope Pius XIII—also known as Lenny Belardo, the Young Pope—issued his most thunderous critique yet of the global elite, singling out none other than Jacob Rothschild and his alleged influence over what His Holiness called “the Illuminati’s heretical economic catechism.”
“You have taken the Lord’s prayer and edited it like a corporate spreadsheet,” said the pontiff, eyes aflame and hands trembling with divine fury.
“Forgive us our trespasses? No. Now you say protect us from liabilities? That’s not grace, Mister Rothschild. That’s fraud.”
Standing before a congregation of thousands (and a secretive cabal of terrified cardinals), Pope Lenny thundered:
“A man may trespass on your hedge and take your lawnmower, Mister Rothschild.
But a banker, like you, takes the home of a Christian family through subprime sorcery and adjustable-rate damnation.”
“Lead Us Not Into Inflation…”
The Young Pope went on to accuse the Rothschild Illuminati—known in whispered corners as “the Temple of Credit Suisse”—of rewriting key passages of the sacred liturgy to protect assets instead of souls.
“They say: Give us this day our daily bread,
but the Illuminati ledger adds: …after appropriate withholding, fees, and debt restructuring.”
“They say: Deliver us from evil,
and then they invest in it.”
Vatican Economic Doctrine 2.0
In an unexpected twist, Pope Pius XIII unveiled a radical proposal: Jubilee for the profane goyim.
He called for the cancellation of global household debt, the return of stolen lands, and the burning of every fake financial derivative written in “Lucifer’s legalese.”
“We are not your livestock. We are the children of God,” the Pope declared, slamming his gilded crozier on the marble.
“You don’t own us with debt. The Cross paid our ransom.”
He then looked directly into the camera and added:
“I’m talking to you, Mister Rothschild.
The Illuminati is canceled. And your hedge fund is now a mustard seed.”
Rothschild Responds, Kind of
A spokesperson for Lord Jacob Rothschild released a statement saying:
“His Lordship regrets any theological misunderstanding. He is not part of the Illuminati, but he does enjoy Davos brunches, artisan cheeses, and complex securities.”
The hounds were not available for comment.
Editorial Note:
Rumors now swirl that Pope Pius XIII is preparing an encyclical titled “On the Dignity of the Debtor” and may host a public exorcism of Wall Street, scheduled for next Easter on the steps of the New York Stock Exchange.